Choked Up

I have come to realise

that my sadness suits me best

and in that sense I surmise

that I have always been blessed.

When the tears well in my eyes

and a clamp captures my chest

still I cannot seem to cry

and it cannot be expressed.

So I escape to the saddest songs

to try and find release

but I've been hearing them too long

for their sound to bring me peace.

I know I cannot right my wrongs

but I can write them down at least

and when the feelings seem too strong

then maybe...hopefully they will cease.

Blocking My Own Light

Like the teacher who always hated me,

you seem to catch me at my very worst.

Is it a ploy to teach me a lesson

or expose those scars my pride has nursed?

Maybe I've been cursed.

No matter which way my feet are pointed

a part of me will remain in the shade,

but part of me is always disappointed

with the part of me which is portrayed.

I am the sunshine on a cloudy day;

you never see when I am at my best.

I hope to burn right through every problem

which has kept me concealed and suppressed.

Maybe I'll be blessed.

No matter which way my feet are pointed

a part of me will remain in the shade,

but part of me is always disappointed

with the part of me which is portrayed.

Wastelands

I don't get tormented by those people

who have been present in painful moments;

it's my own messed up masochistic mind

which drags my guts through the murky swamps.

I'm scared of what thoughts I may be keeping

a sadistic secret from myself.

I'm scared I will let myself down again

and be forced to rescue my sinking pride.

Is it not enough to say that I'll try

to find my way out of this savage waste?

Is it not enough to say that I'll try

my very hardest to be enough?

Because at the moment I am past hope

and have found myself somewhere I can't cope.

It's Terrible

Why can't I be enough

for my own modest demands

when I am more than enough

for somebody else?

I don't want to be loved

for the person I am,

just to know who I am

and love myself for it.

I hate my self-pity

and pity myself for it;

it's pity for pity's sake

and it makes me feel weak.

Rebirth

Rian Mercer is dead.

I've been rewriting my blotchy past

to present myself with a brighter future.

It's pointless scribbling out mistakes

because I've pressed on so hard

each action has etched into the next page-

I need an empty pad.

I've been reinventing the traits and ideals

which I have defined myself around

to better match the modern definitions

because my dictionaries have been so out of touch

with what being me means-

I need relevance.

I've been revisiting those songs

about who I used to be

and picking out my favourite lyrics

so I can apply them to my current state

and emulate that joy-

I need guidance.

I've been reincarnating

that phantom of happiness

which has been haunting my head,

not resting until I can rest

with a smile on my face-

I need him back.

Rian Mercer is alive.

Overage Drinking

What made me feel so old,

so old beyond my years?

I am a vintage wine

in a pub full of cheap beers.

And no-one wants to take a sip.

No-one dares to let their guard slip.

I'm just another wasted drip

beyond the barmaid's tiring grip.

Maybe I should be served

from a different scene

where I'm appreciated

and the thirsty lips are keen.

But I have been waiting so long

to find somewhere that I belong,

maybe my taste is just too strong

cause still no takers come along.

And so I am the dregs

to those so afflicted

they just take whatever

from what they are addicted.

Funeral Plans

I've been thinking about my funeral
even though I am only twenty.
It's not that I'd welcome an early death,
I just have a thing for planning plenty.


I don't know if I'd want happy faces
or to fill the aisles with a stream of tears.
I don't know which of my friends would attend
and which of them I'd lose over the years.


Would current choices remain relevent
or would they be constricted to some phase?
Which parts of me will die the earliest
and which parts will see out my days?


Plans are constantly made and amended
and I won't stop planning 'til life's ended.

Fear of Feelings

I can't keep seeking sheltered protection

from any sort of care and affection

merely because I'm scared of rejection

and letting people see my imperfection.

It Rained Today...

The world looks cold from the safety of my room

but I need air if my thoughts are going to bloom

and I can't live in constant fear of the rain

because living such a life would dry out my brain,

so I'm going to take a step outside

and I will not go home until the ground has dried,

I may look a fool when I'm shivering and wet

but at least it'd be something I wouldn't forget.

Mimic

Pick a number between one and two;

that's the one that I'd choose too.

Autopilot Off

I've been waiting for some kind of moment

to come and prise open my sleep filled eyes,

to drag me by the trembling, clammy hand

and take me to where some joy could arise.

I won't find anything with my eyes shut

constantly dreaming in my risk-free bed

but I can't find the courage to get up

and start looking towards the days ahead.

I get jealous of people who are sure

because I hate these autopilot ways

where everything I do is so idle

and I am merely seeing out my days.

So it's about time that I took control

and spark some life into my greying soul.

Blindfolded in a Hedge Maze

To fill a void

I just avoid

those who made

my heart a cave.

It's no solution

for destitution

but pain will fade

and time will save.

#Participate

A man's inaction

is much more definitive

than any action.

Hush Hush

I'm keeping this secret

between myself and me,

laying it on the line

for nobody to see,

but soon they'll all be read

on the day that I dread

and then I'll have no choice

but to stand by my voice.

Ones and Twos

You never know what you have

until you have another

and now that I have got two

I've lost my warm thoughts towards you

and when what I have is gone

I still would choose no other one.

Ejector Seat

I feel like I've turned a corner

with this straight and direct route,

I need to leave the passengers

accordingly to suit

so I guess this is goodbye

to those children in the back

asking if we're nearly there

always sending me off track.

Face/Heel

People are neither distinctly good nor bad

for they all possess both qualities in equal measure;

it is which aspects they choose to publicly show

and present themselves as being

which defines who and how they are.

Ineffectual

Life is very long

but time is very short

and I find it all gets wasted

on tasks I want to thwart,

so I do not have the time

to do anything of use

but I still trust the necessity

of being a recluse.

Blow Over

My griefs are gathering above my head

and are threatening to engulf my bones,

swiftly swooping in a swarm of such dread

that they seem to speak in ghostly groans.

All of their armies seems ready to pounce
just when I am not ready to defend
but before the bullets begin to bounce
the wind intervenes and signals the end.

And now the clouds head towards me so fast
but I can still maintain a sense of calm
for I'm watching their armies blow right past
keeping my dried up bones away from harm.

As I watch all these clouds blow over
I can't help but think my dark days are over.

Think Before You Ink

Mark your skin,

mar your skin.

Peel it back,

pour poison in.

Seal the stain,

see it stain

and then you'll feel

nature's deep pain.

Poor Poor Pride

Since you went outside my life

you have got inside my head,

you have found my frustrations

and you have kept them well fed.

It's not a case of missing you,

it's just a beaten pride,

like everything I do not want

is everything I am denied.

No Method Behind Madness

I always try to keep away

from people living in a cliche

because I find them hard to trust.

Permanently stuck in a phase,

they will never alter their ways

and they become lost in the dust.

The use their words to suit their look

and always reciting that same old book,

they speak with a blinded belief,

but when the facts are all exposed

they always deny their flaws

and give the future little relief.

In Cycle

I revolve around the Sun

whilst the Moon revolves around me.

I'm always sent spinning

by this love triangle's lunacy.

Blurt

Thinking back about past conversations

and the hasty comments that I have made

I can only cringe at these demonstrations

of myself letting all my chances fade.

I was definitely in with a shout

until I opened my blurting lips

so I am forced to watch you walking out

as another hope evades my grips.

It's another case of hasty speech

where I do not give myself time to think

and now everything seems out of reach

and so I resort to another drink.

One day I will quit this liquid diet;

and one day I will learn to be quiet.

Acronyms

I've been self diagnosing

mental disorders

to rationalize

my mental disorder,

but nothing can justify

my irrational need

to be comforted

and feel needed.

Penned In

All I can hear

is the raindrops on the roof of my car,

they keep me here

in the backseat where I cannot go far,

but I hold out

for an eventual break to occur,

a sudden drought

so I can travel from here to there.