Thursday, 28 June 2012

Choked Up

I have come to realise
that my sadness suits me best
and in that sense I surmise
that I have always been blessed.
When the tears well in my eyes
and a clamp captures my chest
still I cannot seem to cry
and it cannot be expressed.
So I escape to the saddest songs
to try and find release
but I've been hearing them too long
for their sound to bring me peace.
I know I cannot right my wrongs
but I can write them down at least
and when the feelings seem too strong
then maybe...hopefully they will cease.

Wednesday, 27 June 2012

Blocking My Own Light

Like the teacher who always hated me,
you seem to catch me at my very worst.
Is it a ploy to teach me a lesson
or expose those scars my pride has nursed?
Maybe I've been cursed.

No matter which way my feet are pointed
a part of me will remain in the shade,
but part of me is always disappointed
with the part of me which is portrayed.

I am the sunshine on a cloudy day;
you never see when I am at my best.
I hope to burn right through every problem
which has kept me concealed and suppressed.
Maybe I'll be blessed.

No matter which way my feet are pointed
a part of me will remain in the shade,
but part of me is always disappointed
with the part of me which is portrayed.

Tuesday, 26 June 2012


I don't get tormented by those people
who have been present in painful moments;
it's my own messed up masochistic mind
which drags my guts through the murky swamps.

I'm scared of what thoughts I may be keeping
a sadistic secret from myself.
I'm scared I will let myself down again
and be forced to rescue my sinking pride.

Is it not enough to say that I'll try
to find my way out of this savage waste?
Is it not enough to say that I'll try
my very hardest to be enough?

Because at the moment I am past hope
and have found myself somewhere I can't cope.

Monday, 25 June 2012

It's Terrible

Why can't I be enough
for my own modest demands
when I am more than enough
for somebody else?
I don't want to be loved
for the person I am,
just to know who I am
and love myself for it.
I hate my self-pity
and pity myself for it;
it's pity for pity's sake
and it makes me feel weak.


Rian Mercer is dead.

I've been rewriting my blotchy past
to present myself with a brighter future.
It's pointless scribbling out mistakes
because I've pressed on so hard
each action has etched into the next page-
I need an empty pad.

I've been reinventing the traits and ideals
which I have defined myself around
to better match the modern definitions
because my dictionaries have been so out of touch
with what being me means-
I need relevance.

I've been revisiting those songs
about who I used to be
and picking out my favourite lyrics
so I can apply them to my current state
and emulate that joy-
I need guidance.

I've been reincarnating
that phantom of happiness
which has been haunting my head,
not resting until I can rest
with a smile on my face-
I need him back.

Rian Mercer is alive.

Sunday, 24 June 2012

Overage Drinking

What made me feel so old,
so old beyond my years?
I am a vintage wine
in a pub full of cheap beers.

And no-one wants to take a sip.
No-one dares to let their guard slip.
I'm just another wasted drip
beyond the barmaid's tiring grip.

Maybe I should be served
from a different scene
where I'm appreciated
and the thirsty lips are keen.

But I have been waiting so long
to find somewhere that I belong,
maybe my taste is just too strong
cause still no takers come along.

And so I am the dregs
to those so afflicted
they just take whatever
from what they are addicted.

Saturday, 23 June 2012

Funeral Plans

I've been thinking about my funeral
even though I am only twenty.
It's not that I'd welcome an early death,
I just have a thing for planning plenty.

I don't know if I'd want happy faces
or to fill the aisles with a stream of tears.
I don't know which of my friends would attend
and which of them I'd lose over the years.

Would current choices remain relevent
or would they be constricted to some phase?
Which parts of me will die the earliest
and which parts will see out my days?

Plans are constantly made and amended
and I won't stop planning 'til life's ended.

Friday, 22 June 2012

Fear of Feelings

I can't keep seeking sheltered protection
from any sort of care and affection
merely because I'm scared of rejection
and letting people see my imperfection.

It Rained Today...

The world looks cold from the safety of my room
but I need air if my thoughts are going to bloom
and I can't live in constant fear of the rain
because living such a life would dry out my brain,
so I'm going to take a step outside
and I will not go home until the ground has dried,
I may look a fool when I'm shivering and wet
but at least it'd be something I wouldn't forget.


Pick a number between one and two;
that's the one that I'd choose too.

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Autopilot Off

I've been waiting for some kind of moment
to come and prise open my sleep filled eyes,
to drag me by the trembling, clammy hand
and take me to where some joy could arise.

I won't find anything with my eyes shut
constantly dreaming in my risk-free bed
but I can't find the courage to get up
and start looking towards the days ahead.

I get jealous of people who are sure
because I hate these autopilot ways
where everything I do is so idle
and I am merely seeing out my days.

So it's about time that I took control
and spark some life into my greying soul.

Monday, 18 June 2012

Blindfolded in a Hedge Maze

To fill a void
I just avoid
those who made
my heart a cave.
It's no solution
for destitution
but pain will fade
and time will save.


A man's inaction
is much more definitive
than any action.

Hush Hush

I'm keeping this secret
between myself and me,
laying it on the line
for nobody to see,
but soon they'll all be read
on the day that I dread
and then I'll have no choice
but to stand by my voice.

Ones and Twos

You never know what you have
until you have another
and now that I have got two
I've lost my warm thoughts towards you
and when what I have is gone
I still would choose no other one.

Ejector Seat

I feel like I've turned a corner
with this straight and direct route,
I need to leave the passengers
accordingly to suit
so I guess this is goodbye
to those children in the back
asking if we're nearly there
always sending me off track.


People are neither distinctly good nor bad
for they all possess both qualities in equal measure;
it is which aspects they choose to publicly show
and present themselves as being
which defines who and how they are.

Thursday, 14 June 2012


Life is very long
but time is very short
and I find it all gets wasted
on tasks I want to thwart,
so I do not have the time
to do anything of use
but I still trust the necessity
of being a recluse.

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

Blow Over

My griefs are gathering above my head
and are threatening to engulf my bones,
swiftly swooping in a swarm of such dread
that they seem to speak in ghostly groans.

All of their armies seems ready to pounce
just when I am not ready to defend
but before the bullets begin to bounce
the wind intervenes and signals the end.

And now the clouds head towards me so fast
but I can still maintain a sense of calm
for I'm watching their armies blow right past
keeping my dried up bones away from harm.

As I watch all these clouds blow over
I can't help but think my dark days are over.

Think Before You Ink

Mark your skin,
mar your skin.
Peel it back,
pour poison in.
Seal the stain,
see it stain
and then you'll feel
nature's deep pain.

Poor Poor Pride

Since you went outside my life
you have got inside my head,
you have found my frustrations
and you have kept them well fed.
It's not a case of missing you,
it's just a beaten pride,
like everything I do not want
is everything I am denied.

No Method Behind Madness

I always try to keep away
from people living in a cliche
because I find them hard to trust.
Permanently stuck in a phase,
they will never alter their ways
and they become lost in the dust.
The use their words to suit their look
and always reciting that same old book,
they speak with a blinded belief,
but when the facts are all exposed
they always deny their flaws
and give the future little relief.

In Cycle

I revolve around the Sun
whilst the Moon revolves around me.
I'm always sent spinning
by this love triangle's lunacy.

Tuesday, 5 June 2012


Thinking back about past conversations
and the hasty comments that I have made
I can only cringe at these demonstrations
of myself letting all my chances fade.

I was definitely in with a shout
until I opened my blurting lips
so I am forced to watch you walking out
as another hope evades my grips.

It's another case of hasty speech
where I do not give myself time to think
and now everything seems out of reach
and so I resort to another drink.

One day I will quit this liquid diet;
and one day I will learn to be quiet.


I've been self diagnosing
mental disorders
to rationalize
my mental disorder,
but nothing can justify
my irrational need
to be comforted
and feel needed.

Penned In

All I can hear
is the raindrops on the roof of my car,
they keep me here
in the backseat where I cannot go far,
but I hold out
for an eventual break to occur,
a sudden drought
so I can travel from here to there.